Norman Einstein's
ISSUE 03 (08/09)
"NFL Liberation Theology 2009"
by Brian Lauvray
[Brian is a Chicago-based writer. Aside from Norman Einstein's, his resume includes relationship blogger for the Tyra Banks Show and hot dog expert for The Onion's A.V. Club. Brian frequently writes about Chicago for Trazzler and laments the Bulls and Bears at Gapers Block.]
Summer! Season of sun, humidity, and prosperous life. Children scream mirthfully through the spray of sprinklers. Squirrels haven't begun burying acorns across America's backyards. Baseball fans delight in their timeless game devouring its banquet of summer days.
Amidst all this content, there stirs a murderous subset of America: the NFL fan. A ravening S.O.B. eagerly leaning over the near lifeless body known as the "offseason," ready with shovel to smash that face and commence another five month bloodbath known as the NFL season.
Regardless of tribal allegiance - Patriot, Bear, Jaguar, etc. - these men and women need football. Yet among them, there is me, son of a football diaspora, a man without a team.
It wasn't always this way. When I was bright-eyed (well, lazy-eyed actually) child I watched first the Cleveland Browns lose in heartbreaking fashion to Elway-led Denver teams then a pre-genius Bill Belichick fail to remake those Browns through the early 90s. Mind you, I wasn't thrilled about the losing, dear reader. No, I was happy because my team was a bona fide NFL team, a team I watched on Sundays in fall, a team embodying my boyhood loyalties and hopes.
Credit: Paul Yeager III (Flickr)
Sadly, that bastard Art Modell shipped my team to Baltimore mere days after my Indians lost the Fall Classic to the Atlanta Braves. This story would be all too maudlin, that is, if it hadn't happened... When the Cleveland Browns were rechristened the Baltimore Ravens I turned away from the NFL becoming a latchkey kid of sports.
I was content with this designation until college. I worshiped the NBA, maintained middling interest in MLB, and glanced at NFL boxscores from time to time. Then I enrolled in the University of Wisconsin and, unbeknownst to me, signed on for the non-stop prattle of drunk Green Bay Packers fans at so many basement keggers. I rapidly tired of "Who ya rootin' for: the Pack or the Raiders?" interrogations by Cheeseheads. In a moment of spite, I sided with the Detroit Lions.
Why Detroit? Why NOT Detroit? A maligned franchise which, at that point, could still stab at its divisional rival and street fight their way to an upset. For the next few seasons, I rooted for the Lions unfailingly even in their lowest moments through taunts and trash talk.
Since then I have outgrown rage for rage's sake, what I harbored against Packers fans. Now I gleefully pick a team to cheer on a per-season basis. Last year? Buffalo (R.I.P. Tim Russert). Two years ago? Tennessee (Nashville is fun). It's liberating. Instead of wandering the NFL wilderness alone, without faith, I am an acolyte with self determination. I'm not entrenched or devoted to any sects, but neither am I a football atheist.
Some deem this fraudulent, amateurish, or even stupid. My reply? "Hey, you're team didn't up and move to Baltimore, dick bag!"
So walk with me, witness as I cover the most promising teams for the indevout but still passionate. First, a few caveats:
1. Excitement and entertainment are key. Some teams and divisions are straight-up boring (Indianapolis Colts, NFC North) and thus immediately disqualified. Besides, you shouldn't root for such teams unless it is your birthright, i.e. you come from French Lick and have a birthmark the Peyton's head on your ass.
2. Don't jump on a crowded bandwagon. Some teams are off limits due to mainstream media oversaturation. The entire NFC East doesn't need another fan for any of its teams. We'll all be hearing way too much on Dallas, New York, Philly, and Washington far too soon. Same goes for New England, Pittsburgh, and whatever team nabs Michael Vick.
3. Points for going behind enemy lines. Half the fun is rooting against your new team's hated rival. I suggest hitting up that rival team's bar and openly declaring allegiance. You will probably get your ass kicked, but being "that guy" in a crowd of homers carries a certain pride.
Bearing these tenets in mind, here are the contenders:
Houston Texans
The traditionalist in me cringes at the fact the Texans are a Southern team playing in a retractable roof stadium. What? It's too sunny? Boo-hoo, Alice.
And, yes, the Texans are perennially "on the cusp" and "ready to make the next step." But peep that offense. Furious blur of a man Steve Slaton in the backfield; tantalizing but injury-prone Matt Schaub behind center; the Wonder Twins Andre Johnson and Kevin Walter lined up wide; man/tank hybrid Owen Daniels in tight. The offensive skill players resemble ninja weapons behind glass cases at the gun shows in the local convention hall. If the offensive cogs can stay healthy, the Texans are ready to dissect opposing defenses like so many formaldehyde-soaked science class frogs.
Houston's defense, which had been steady to even "goodish" in prior seasons, fell back a bit prompting management to rectify the sins of last year. Free agency yielded unquantifiable "veteran-savvy" to the front seven, the draft Southern Cal pitbull/linebacker Brian Cushing with their first selection. Will they be any good? That's not really the point of this whole article. If you like teams that score touchdowns, however, then by all means, Houston is a team to follow.
Detroit Lions
For the masochist or Midwesterner not able to stomach Pittsburgh (bandwagon) Chicago (Brian Urlacher? Seriously?) Minnesota (Twin Cities too smug) Cleveland (NO!) Green Bay (not happening) or Indy (the Colts are the San Antonio Spurs of the NFL) try rooting for the Lions. Honestly, they have Megatron who is, at the very least, a boon for the Fantasy owner lucky enough to nab him.
Beyond the fantasy boon, watching Calvin Johnson toil in the smoldering wreckage that is Detroit pro football reminds us all that beauty can be found anywhere. Dude is a constant threat to the job security of defensive coordinators everywhere, even with Dan Orlovsky, Jon Kitna, and the artist formerly known as Daunte Culpepper's knee lobbing passes to him. Now with Matt Stafford being groomed for starter's duties, slowly the sun is peeking through the slate-colored skies above Ford Field.
(Added bonus: hopping on the bandwagon a season early, if the Lions turn it around in the near future, will allow you to play the "Told Ya So" card that your friends will love!)
Oakland Raiders
Aside from being the most badass of all NFL teams (logo alone) and residing in a Beyond-the-Thunderdome post apocalypse that is the AFC West, the Raiders are led by Captain Crazy himself, Al Davis. The roster adds intrigue. I fully expect (well, hope) Darren McFadden and JaMarcus Russell blow up, torching the less-than-stellar defenses of the West.
Credit: Todd & Barbara (Flickr)
Consider the wild card, surprise draft selection Darrius Heyward-Bey, and what that potentially spells out for the Silver 'n' Black offense, one either dynamic OR bumbling, one that will make you laugh, cry, or boastfully pound your chest. Now consider that Davis is just bonkers enough to sign Michael Vick. I'm not saying it's going to happen, I'm just saying it could happen. No NFL team is more in need of a superstar, nor more welcoming to social pariahs.
If Oakland nabs Vick, I pledge to buy the jersey and my season-long allegiance. With Vick the Raiders automatically become one of the most schizo teams in recent memory. Not Dallas with T.O. crazy, just "WTF?!" levels of bipolarity. Pop a few mood stabilizers and sit down every Sunday afternoon ready for, well, anything to happen.
Kansas City Chiefs
Another squad from the post-apocalypse wreckage of the AFC West, the Kansas City Chiefs in a quick offseason became the Patriots: West and fans looking for organizational stability should look no further than KC.
Despite a newly anointed savior in Matt Cassel and a defense-heavy draft, the Chiefs are more than a few steps away from contending. But they should fight their way out of the divisional basement this year. New head coach Todd Haley is a capable offensive mind who should wring as much possible out of proven commodities Cassel, Larry Johnson, and Dwayne Bowe. The defense will likely struggle, but it's the AFC West, so whatever.
The schedule is brutal - the entire NFC East for a month, Pittsburgh, Baltimore - so if you do pick the Chiefs don't expect a lot of wins, but expect them to keep it close.
Cincinnati Bengals
Carson Palmer is back. Chad Ochocinco discovered Twitter. The defense still sucks but less so. Regardless, the Bengals should score. Who is the feature back? Cedric Benson? Who cares. The receiving corps is lethal enough that a stud running back won't be necessary [slaps a "I Believe In Freddie Brown" campaign button on shirt].
Of course, for Palmer to deliver that oblong brown ball to his receivers, the offensive line will have to block, which really won't be happening. Same thing for whomever is the dashing running back in the mask and cape. How then will the Bengals separate themselves from the any of the AFC teams just beneath them? They won't. But any team with Ochocinco is good for comic relief.
Meanwhile, the defense upgraded with some seriously gully draft picks. Rey Maualuga fell into Cincy's lap in the second round, as did part-man, part-mountain Michael Johnson in the third. Don't get too excited. If you're looking for a team, though, with a ton of hype without much else to its credit and a head coach that could be fired mid-season, pick the Bengals.
I fully understand most of you reading this have your team allegiances, likely since a very young age. If, however, incompetent management of [insert team] or heartless relocation has pushed you to your limits, I implore you, take your time and emotions and invest them in a not-so-randomly determined team. You can reap the glory of victory while easily shedding the shame of loss.
It's liberating, believe me.
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