The New Year occasions a glut of reflections. But at Norman Einstein's we prefer to look ahead rather than back. Here are our sporting resolutions for the next lap our planet runs around the Sun.
Jason resolves to somehow, some way, get his hands on a Mercury Mets hat or jersey... or both. One of his gripes with baseball is how much tradition is shoved down the throats of younger fans. Even when the sport tries to show a lighter side, such as the Turn Ahead the Clock jerseys in 1999, it does so while upsetting fans who assail anything a team does wrong to begin with. The Mercury Mets did as such and as an Atlanta Braves fan from New York City, he'll enjoy anything that will send their collective blood pressure through the roof. Besides, on the planet Mercury, Rickey Henderson has three eyes.
Jason also resolves to continue to check out new-to-him sporting venues; hopefully Camden Yards in Baltimore or even the current and future digs for the Tampa Bay Rays and the Florida Marlins. Over the past five years, he has managed to take in a sporting event in each city he spends at least a weekend in, mostly to tour a different stadium or arena while envying the fortunes of teams not named the New York Knicks.
Finally, Jason resolves to actually try and understand how poker is a sport... at least according to ESPN.
Corban resolves to (in no particular order): watch more hockey (and actually stick with it this time), watch more golf, try boxing, write a US Soccer anthem that rivals "Three Lions" by the UK pop group Lightning Seeds, finally buy that damn Satchel Paige jersey made by Ebbets Fields Flannels that he's coveted since his teens, join that basketball league that holds its semifinals at Madison Square Garden, and dunk a basketball (tabled from the previous 23 years) in front of Scarlett Johannson while Clipse's "When the Last Time" blares from a nearby stereo.
Eric and Ted resolve to: a) invent at least one baseball statistic; b) not rely on sabermetric statistics they don't actually understand; c) stop verbally answering Stuart Scott's rhetorical questions on SportsCenter; d) wear more oversized jerseys; e) employ infographics more often; f) never roll their eyes at Brett Favre ever again; g) learn to spell Jack Zduriencik without looking it up; and h) read more blogs.
Stephanie resolves to take more photos of more athletes in less clothing.
When approached to reveal his sporting New Year's resolutions, after he had made that old joke about how his only resolution would be to not make a resolution, and almost laughing himself a hernia, Fredorrarci suddenly turned solemn. He said, with what seemed like genuine concern in his voice, that he too often neglected the local in sport. He falls easily into the trap of just watching the best, easiest-to-reach sport on his television or computer, he declared, and he wanted to reconnect with its true essence, which meant getting out into fresh air and getting properly reacquanited with the real deal.
A mutual friend later scoffed at this, telling us that Fredorrarci's real resolution was to watch every single minute of every single game of this summer's World Cup. "Ever since he saw Cameroonian players line up to kick Claudio Caniggia clean out of the San Siro in 1990, he's had this thing about the World Cup," she revealed. "He tried to watch the whole of the 2006 tournament, but chose not to look at the second round game between Ukraine and Switzerland, because it was bound to stink. He was right, but he was consumed with guilt about it. It was like he had offended his god or something. Seriously, you should have seen him. He ate nothing but Toblerone for, like, months afterwards."
She also revealed his other resolution: "He's determined to prove that his championship success with the Sonics on NBA 2K7 wasn't a fluke, despite his indifferent start to this season. He called me the other day, insisted I come around to see the box score of his two-point win over Dallas which proved he hadn't lost his touch or some crap like that. Starting to worry me, frankly."
I resolve to step away from competitive Nerf basketball to focus on my writing career - not necessarily a Barry Sanders retirement but an Urban Meyer sabbatical or at least a Brett Favre retirement. I resolve to stop wondering why Goldberg was ever the goalie over Julie "the Cat" Gaffney; why Benny "the Jet" Rodriguez decided to grow a mustache when he got older; and to stop thinking less of Bruce Springsteen just because he sang about something called a "speedball" in "Glory Days."
I resolve to stop trying to describe Chris Johnson every Sunday because things like "the final scene of The Wild Bunch + flame throwers" and "a velociraptor on crystal meth" still seem inadequate. I resolve to make fun of the Mets less, to grow a beard like Francisco Liriano, and to get a call into the Mike Francesa show. I resolve to stop shooting apple cores at open garbage pails... or to at least start making them. I resolve to pick an NHL team, to stop complaining that Mike Hart doesn't get more carries, and to stop trying to use athletes as mnemonic devices so I remember what section I parked in at the mall.
I resolve to stop referring to myself in the third person.
I resolve to think of more creative celebrations after I finish vacuuming my room and making a good burger, or at least remember to thank the Lord afterwards since he made it all possible.
First draft: Cian resolves, should he ever reproduce, to instill in his offspring an appreciation for his Green Bay Packers and respect for the American game of football much like his father did for him in the Halcyon days of his youth.
(December 20th, Pittsburgh defeats Green Bay, 37-36, on a Ben Roethlisberger 19-yard touchdown pass to Mike Wallace as time expires.)
Second draft: Cian resolves, should he ever reproduce, to instill in his offspring love for his Green Bay Packers and respect for the game of football much like his father did for him in the Halcyon days of his youth. Cian resolves, should he ever knock someone up, to make sure those urchins do not fall victim to something so "patently contrived and commercially exploitive" as professional sports. Cian also resolves to save a punch for the guy at the end of the bar in the Roethlisberger jersey who won't stop shouting.
(December 27th, Green Bay clinches a playoff berth with a 48-10 victory over Seattle.)
Final draft: Cian resolves, should he ever knock someone up, to make sure those urchins do not fall victim to something so "patently contrived and commercially exploitive" as professional sports. Cian also resolves to save a punch for the guy at the end of the bar in the Roethlisberger jersey who won't stop shouting. Cian resolves, should he ever reproduce, to instill in his offspring an appreciation for his Green Bay Packers and respect for the American game of football much like his father did for him in the Halcyon days of his youth.
Happy New Year, everyone!
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